What if we knew that was the way it was supposed to go?  After the bright colors of Autumn (at least here in the northern latitudes!) we progress to cooler weather and shorter days.  Though we may grumble about summer heat or winter cold, most of us aren’t actively battling the cycle itself.  So wouldn’t it be nice if the march of personal progress were as familiar and accepted a cycle?  Could we relax into it – for all its struggles – if we knew and embraced the stages that were coming?

First, we don’t know what we don’t know.  Then we become aware that we need to learn something.  We start trying on the new skill or behavior or attitude.  Then,  just as we gain a little,  the awareness of how much more is possible lands with a thud.  Humbled, we struggle to keep integrating what we’re learning.  The new stuff feels clunky.  We question its value.  We remember that – to the best of our recollection – the old way was easier.  “Didn’t it work better than this, even?” we ask.  And maybe it did, because it was familiar and we are now in learning mode.  With time and practice, though, the new way – if we stick with it – gets easier.  More fun.  More effective.  And eventually becomes “second nature” – we can’t remember ever being any other way.  Learn? I didn’t learn this!  This is just how I am!

You’re really swamped, so attending the cross-functional team meeting today is really a stretch.

You have a 1:1 scheduled with a member of  your team, but that’s the only time today your client can meet.

You’re late to a meeting, so you take a seat at the back of the room, rather than squeezing in at the table.

In situations like these, it’s easy to justify your absence or the lower participation level that’s so tempting when you’re under pressure.  You’re aware of the cost to you of not exercising or not getting time with your people, and you can deal with that cost.   The real cost is subtle, insidious, and you often won’t hear about it.  The real cost is that other people miss you.  They miss your contribution.  Your ideas in the meeting.  Your enthusiasm (or just your sweaty pulse there beside them) in the exercise class.  Even if you reschedule for the same afternoon, there’s a loss when you don’t keep that appointment with your employee.  These small costs, the faint trickle of lost energy, lost value, loss trust, loss connection, add up.  If you want better results in your life and work, and more satisfaction with your day-to-day experiences, count these costs.  Minimize the number of such leaks.  And circle back to reduce the cost when they must happen.

It’s nearly impossible to be aware of the impact our mere presence has on other people.  Glimpses of the degree of power we hold just through our showing up are always humbling.  You matter more than you know.

Now, we’ve stepped into questions and discussion.  The leader of the team just noticed that other people’s comments are answering his questions.  This is what happens when we don’t jump in the instant a question pops to mind (but we DO capture it):  the conversation takes care of our concerns, or our questions evolve.  So waiting, listening, and making sure there’s time for questions and discussion all contribute to better conversations and better decisions.  Takes some restraint, but is entirely worthwhile.

But as I sit here, I raise my glass to you and invite us both to drink deep of whatever’s before us and within us.  That’s just what we’re thirsty for.

But then my eyes landed on another shelf. Organized by topic, my library had an entire swath of books about healthy eating, exercise, and weight loss. I nearly gagged, but the laughter that bubbled up in my throat saved me. “Ha! NONE of these make me feel good! They’re all about what I SHOULD do… What would be virtuous.” I’d been collecting expert advice about how to lose weight since I was in high school. In 20 years, these books had never helped, no matter how many of them I collected.

As I said this, I was standing there in a pair of jeans that I hadn’t worn since before my pregnancy. I’m losing weight effortlessly right now, simply because I’m practicing yoga regularly and with dedication and being kind to myself. Those well-fitting jeans made it much easier to see the folly of my diet book collection. The books didn’t get me into those jeans, but there I was, wearing them, with a better idea in mind for that shelf space. I bounded down the stairs to find a box, then another. I loaded up the books, confident I wouldn’t miss a single one, or need their thousands of words of advice to continue to build my health and vibrancy.

When I was done, I moved a row of cherished art books from the shelf I wanted for Cooper’s books over to the previously “weighty” shelf. I placed Cooper’s tiny books in their new home, simultaneously cherishing and lamenting the scruffy corners where he’s chewed some of them to a pulp. I sighed at the heft of the two boxes. Then I got an idea: I hauled them both into the bathroom and weighed them. Net weight lost in weight-loss books? Minus a pound for each of the boxes, the total came to 62 pounds. The weight I would like to release from my backside is a fraction of that! It took me 20 years to let go of the promise of those pounds of books. I’ve got a feeling that now that I’ve released the experts, my own wisdom will be working pretty quickly to release the stuck energy in my body.

These things were on my mind as I arrived at yoga.  I tried to set my thoughts aside to focus on my practice.  My teacher Elizabeth Rainey opened the class by sharing with us that she recently spent three days with John Friend, the founder of Anusara Yoga, at the annual Advanced Intensive.  Rainey cherishes this intensive because she is able to push her boundaries and go to new places in her practice each time.  But this time, to her dismay, she had a terrible cold.  “As a type-A person, that was tough.  I LIKE to push myself, but I had to relax into my practice instead.  What surprised me was that the relaxation forced by my illness actually allowed me to go deeper in my practice.  I had MORE capability, not less.” 

I thought about the parallel between what Rainey shared about her own softening because of her cold and my wish for my clients that there was some force that would support them to drop into the other half of their power.  I know I do the same thing, and I’ll bet you do, too:  we over-rely on that aggressive side of ourselves.  We’ve actually come to equate the words strength and strong with driving, pushing, and efforting.  We so often go rigid in order to be stronger.  We push in order to go faster.  But those are only some of our options.  And once we’ve developed a lot of strength and speed through those means, additional gains have to come from some other source.  Sometimes going softer makes us stronger.  Sometimes letting go is what helps us move faster. 

I’m not advocating a change in our intentions.  Moving the dial forward, reaching our sales goals, nailing our to-dos, attaining the exotic yoga pose:  good goals.  Let’s keep ‘em.

What I’m observing is that for those of us who are good – either advanced yoginis like Rainey or advanced make-it-happen salespeople like my clients – if we’re good at hardening, at strengthening, at activating and moving – it may well be that our next edge, our next edge of potential may be attained by activating the very opposite of what we’ve been thinking of as our greatest strength.

For today, though, my challenge is somewhat simpler:  he’s eating less milk during the day as he eats more solid food.  And I’m busy with work and pumping less often.  My production still approximately matches his needs, so there shouldn’t be a problem, right?  No, except that I’m struggling with worries:  Should Magi, our wonderful nanny, be feeding him more of my milk when I’m away?  Should I be feeding him more solid food during the day when I’m with him?  There’s no food superior to milk, right?  But as he grows, obviously, he needs to move onto big boy foods.  Except so  many of those:  wheat, dairy, meat… Aren’t things I want him eating any time soon.  Am I too uptight?  What would Sara do?  What would Ella do?  What will my mom say when she’s here in a few weeks? 

What I’m seeing is that I’m hamstrung on a web of tensions:  the tension between trusting oneself and listening to others’ sage advice.  The tension between guiding our children according to our own values and preferences and noticing and honoring their unique needs and nature.  The tension between holding the commitment to conscious parenthood sacred and the very real limitations of energy and attention span.  The tension between the need to think things through and the need to lighten the @*$# up!   By day, I teach the 12 Elements of Power to executive clients.  By night, I have to activate every last one of them in my parenting journey:  receiving and providing, connection and self-reliance, nurturing and driving.  Whew.

This particular set of decisions is what I’m facing right now, but it’s also a microcosm or example of a scenario that plays out countless times on the parenting journey:  our children are faced with an opportunity (like learning about the world of food) or a challenge (a bully in his class) and we have to step into that web of tensions and navigate as best we’re able.   This is both more complex and more important than just about anything I did before he was born.  It helps me, in the process, to articulate what the tensions are.  What challenge or opportunity are you facing as a parent now?  What are the tensions in your situation?  As you list them, what do you notice?  Take your time.  This DOES matter, and you ARE equal to the task, large as it is.

Lorraine writes: “I had lunch with two great women last week, Sara Harvey Yao and Michele Lisenbury Christensen. They are the two brilliant minds behind a company called Working with Power. The conversation naturally drifted into a discussion about the current state of business locally and globally.

“With one insightful sentence, Sara & Michele gave me a wonderful dose of clarity. They said “This year’s problems are not the same as last year’s problems!” And then they asked “What are you doing to solve this year’s problems?”

“Whether you are a business owner or working for someone else, there has been a lot of soul searching and reevaluating, trying to figure out how to adjust and ride out this economic turbulence. The people who stay current and create ways to respond to this year’s problems are the ones who stand the best chance of making it through and being well positioned when things finally turn around.

“So I am passing along Sara and Michele’s question to you. What are this year’s problems for your clients or customers? And what are you doing to solve those problems?

“My clients and prospects include job seekers and entrepreneurs. Their current challenge is to clearly and quickly articulate their value in the marketplace. They must stand out in a very competitive business landscape. Using some of my tried and true tips and strategies, I’m helping people get back to basics of identifying the needs of their target audience and communicating with confidence and clarity.

“I’m also going back and contacting clients I have helped in the past, reestablishing the connection and finding out how they are doing and what they need. If there’s something I can do to help, I’ll suggest it or I’ll pass along a referral to someone else who may be able to help them.

“If you are looking for affordable ways to improve or refresh your skills, check out my new webinars and small group classes that focus on communicating for networking and presentations. To find out more visit www.mediaskillstraining.com/classes.

“Sara and Michele helped me stop the “worry machine” and look for new ways to help my clients. They could do the same for you. If you’d like more information about Sara and Michele, check out Working with Power at www.workingwithpower.com.

Lorraine”

Lorraine’s company is always instrumental when we need to refine or articulate a message for the media or for new customers. If you’re retooling to solve this year’s problems, check out her retooled, accessible offerings. And congratulations: you’re going to weather this recession just fine. If you’re not retooling, be prepared for a scary and scarce few months (or years). We’ll keep preachin’ it, though, so maybe you’ll smell the coffee soon and learn to thrive by meeting your customers’ current needs. We hope so. Your company still has lots to offer and your customers still need you; there are just a new set of problems to solve. Enjoy!

What I wanted to blog about is that wound-up experience.  Clients have taught me that not everyone shares my degree of bodily awareness about anxiety.  Most people just walk around feeling anxious and think it’s normal.  If I ask about it:  “Are you feeling stressed?”  they often deny it vehemently.  And authentically, I think:  we’re like fish in water, the way we swim in tension every day.  So, having a more finely-wrought sense of the sources of our anxiety than most, I wanted to articulate it a little for you, through the lens of my own experience today, in the hope that it helps you disentangle these threads for yourself in a way that lightens your load.

See, my and Sara’s anxiety today has two different sources.  One’s more helpful than the other.  The helpful anxiety: “hey, we want to kick butt in March, so let’s know what’s going on before Sara leaves.  And let’s make sure we get her input on everything that needs it, so nothing’s on hold that shouldn’t be.”  Smart stuff.  It compresses time, sure, and raises blood pressure a little, but nothing too terrible.  It’s the less-helpful stuff that really messes with us (and, we’ll wager, with you):  the head-trips that say “we have to get everything for the whole year figured out before tomorrow.”    “There’s never enough time.  We’re always behind.”  “We have no idea what we’re doing.”  And so on.  You can probably fill in the blanks yourself.  And if you’re thinking I sound like an insecure, scattered ding-dong if those things are running through my head, my guess is that’s because your own ding-dong thoughts are so well-masked that they’re unconscious.  Problem is, if you don’t really hear them, they have that much more power to run your life. 

The take-away for me and you, both:  let’s differentiate between helpful anxiety and the head-trip stuff that just wastes our energy.  Next time you notice a knot in your stomach, or tightness in your head and throat, check out what you’re anxious about.  Some of it will be helpful anxiety, spurring you to productive action.  Some will just be mental spinning.  Take a deep breath and let that junk go.  Then get back to work!  The clock is ticking!  J