We know  better.  We know – at some level – that we’ve got to help them drain the swamp.  But, see, what Sara and I have remembered in the past few weeks is that draining the swamp takes a deep remembering that there is such a thing as dry ground.  We are the ones who’ve come in to drain the swamp, but at times we’ve let ourselves be snapped at by the same alligators – time pressure, intense cultures, oppressive working norms, communication silos – that plague our clients. And we, like them, sometimes hopped around just trying to save our hineys from those gators.  We forgot our real job. 

Such is the nature of helping with change.  Whether you’re supporting a child to learn something new, helping a leadership team make better decisions and shift their culture, or working with your partner to build a more fulfilling relationship, you step into the swamp.  Your job is to drain it, but to do that you have to remember why you’re there and hold tight to the vision of dry ground.

I coach a lot of “nice guys” and some who wonder why people don’t realize how nice they are “on the inside.”  And here’s the sad part:  often the ones who others perceive as “nice” are working for the ones who are… er, in their own words… “misunderstood” by others.  That is to say, other people often think these leaders are domineering jerks.  But that interpersonal roughness is the edge of a skill set that gets them promoted over and over.  And it gets them promoted over the “nice guy” who might also be considered for the job.

Why is that?  And how can people win when they’re both ambitious and committed to being kind, courteous, and connected with other people?  Here’s the bottom line:  Being “nice” only holds you back when it stops you from addressing key issues with bottom-line importance.  Consultant Eric Allenbaugh taught me, years ago, a valuable distinction:  You can be soft on issues or hard on issues.  And you can be soft on people or hard on people.  True jerks are hard on people, no matter where they stand on issues.  The most promotable people are always those who’re hard on issues.  Unfortunately in most corporate cultures, they can be hard on people and still rise.  It’s my mission, however, to help people become truly extraordinary leaders:  hard on issues, while being soft on people.  That is to say:  keep the “nice” approach to people, but without confusing “nice” with indirect, indecisive, or following consensus. 

My “misunderstood,” hard-on-people, hard-on-issues clients are learning to build in warmth, connection, and empathy so they are just as tough on issues, but softer on people.

And my “nice guy” clients are learning that they finish first when they lean into the goodwill they’ve generated by being soft with people.  They risk a little of that social capital they’ve earned in spades, by being direct and decisive, and teaching other people how to deliver what they want.  What they find is that the risk pays off:  they begin to earn the same respect accorded their tough-guy bosses, but with all the fun and connection of a nice-guy approach.  No one gets mad or says, “wait!  I thought you were nice!”  They thank them for the guidance and clarity.

The solution to all of these is simple, though it’s seldom comfortable.  We’ve got to say what needs sayin’ (That’s a line from a country song.  If it weren’t, I’d have left that last “g” in there), or the problems will continue to multiply.  I know that you probably consider yourself a straight shooter.  But I’m also betting that you do your best not to create waves when it’s not necessary, and that, like many of my clients – and myself and Sara at times – you err on the side of stepping over those wave-making topics.  Here’s how you know when you’ve done that:

-          You find yourself annoyed with someone you really care about and like

-          You start to feel resentful, put-upon, or condescending (yes – this is always a sign you’re not saying what needs said – even if what needs said is “you’re fired” or “I’m not going to continue investing in this relationship”)

-          You find yourself saying or thinking “I can’t say ____”

-          You’ve been angry or disappointed with someone for more than a week and haven’t told them what they could do to change it

If you think about it, you probably have your own signs.  What are they?   Is there a conversation you need to have in the near future?  No promises here:  it might be uncomfortable, and one conversation will likely not fix everything.  But having it is a positive step forward, and the very first step will likely start to reduce the cost of the unsaid for you.

You’re really swamped, so attending the cross-functional team meeting today is really a stretch.

You have a 1:1 scheduled with a member of  your team, but that’s the only time today your client can meet.

You’re late to a meeting, so you take a seat at the back of the room, rather than squeezing in at the table.

In situations like these, it’s easy to justify your absence or the lower participation level that’s so tempting when you’re under pressure.  You’re aware of the cost to you of not exercising or not getting time with your people, and you can deal with that cost.   The real cost is subtle, insidious, and you often won’t hear about it.  The real cost is that other people miss you.  They miss your contribution.  Your ideas in the meeting.  Your enthusiasm (or just your sweaty pulse there beside them) in the exercise class.  Even if you reschedule for the same afternoon, there’s a loss when you don’t keep that appointment with your employee.  These small costs, the faint trickle of lost energy, lost value, loss trust, loss connection, add up.  If you want better results in your life and work, and more satisfaction with your day-to-day experiences, count these costs.  Minimize the number of such leaks.  And circle back to reduce the cost when they must happen.

It’s nearly impossible to be aware of the impact our mere presence has on other people.  Glimpses of the degree of power we hold just through our showing up are always humbling.  You matter more than you know.

Now, we’ve stepped into questions and discussion.  The leader of the team just noticed that other people’s comments are answering his questions.  This is what happens when we don’t jump in the instant a question pops to mind (but we DO capture it):  the conversation takes care of our concerns, or our questions evolve.  So waiting, listening, and making sure there’s time for questions and discussion all contribute to better conversations and better decisions.  Takes some restraint, but is entirely worthwhile.

One of our clients did this beautifully last week when we observed his meeting.  We’ve been working on that tone with him for a while, and we had nothing but kudos to offer on his leadership.  What could you learn from what he did?  He was there early.  He greeted each person as they entered.  How could he do that?  He wasn’t on his computer… didn’t even have it with him!  He started the meeting with some good people-level signposting.  He welcomed people back from vacation and named where the missing team members were.  It didn’t take long, and then he got into the agenda. 

If these points sound like no-brainers to you, good.  But for many of our clients, goal-driven as they are, setting a warm, productive tone for a meeting seems like a luxury… or simply escapes their attention.  And even if you’re good at it, we’ll bet that the higher the pressure, the less likely you are to attend to the tone of the meeting.  Trouble is, those high-pressure times are the moments the tone is most important.

When someone embraces the game of finding a productive way to say what’s really on their mind and heart, great things happen.  Of course, timing, language, responsibility, room for the listener’s process… all these things come into play, but the big deal is getting to that moment of truth.

Sara and I found such a moment today – not in a 1:1 communication, but as we were writing the offer for our soon-to-be-unveiled sample feedback session offer for leaders and teams.  We’d been writing along about what makes us different and answering all the questions we knew would come up.  I suddenly burst out:  “You know what I REALLY wish we could say?!”   Sara said, “SAY IT!”  I wanted to say:  “This work doesn’t pretend that business is something removed from life.  It honors that the best way for each of us to maximize and results – and keep them up – is to create a way of working that nourishes us.”  So I wrote something like that down.  We futzed it a little, into the 2 sentences you just read.  And a huge wave of energy washed into our process.  We’d set ourselves free.  The rest of our writing was easier, more true to ourselves, and more helpful to our audience.

Now:  what do you really wish you could say?

Yes, we’re pros, but actually we HIGHLY recommend (unlike those stunt moto-cross drivers you used to see on TV in the early 80s):  DO try this at home (or at work).  We think it’d be excellent if you could use our tips and start to eradicate the elephants in the room by naming them.  So start here:  Notice that the source of the problems is that some piece of communication is being stepped over.  Just notice. 

Your sleuthing homework:  every time you run into an obstacle or challenge this week, ask yourself (and maybe other people):  “What indirect or missing communication might be at the source of this problem?”  Just notice, for starters.

Lorraine writes: “I had lunch with two great women last week, Sara Harvey Yao and Michele Lisenbury Christensen. They are the two brilliant minds behind a company called Working with Power. The conversation naturally drifted into a discussion about the current state of business locally and globally.

“With one insightful sentence, Sara & Michele gave me a wonderful dose of clarity. They said “This year’s problems are not the same as last year’s problems!” And then they asked “What are you doing to solve this year’s problems?”

“Whether you are a business owner or working for someone else, there has been a lot of soul searching and reevaluating, trying to figure out how to adjust and ride out this economic turbulence. The people who stay current and create ways to respond to this year’s problems are the ones who stand the best chance of making it through and being well positioned when things finally turn around.

“So I am passing along Sara and Michele’s question to you. What are this year’s problems for your clients or customers? And what are you doing to solve those problems?

“My clients and prospects include job seekers and entrepreneurs. Their current challenge is to clearly and quickly articulate their value in the marketplace. They must stand out in a very competitive business landscape. Using some of my tried and true tips and strategies, I’m helping people get back to basics of identifying the needs of their target audience and communicating with confidence and clarity.

“I’m also going back and contacting clients I have helped in the past, reestablishing the connection and finding out how they are doing and what they need. If there’s something I can do to help, I’ll suggest it or I’ll pass along a referral to someone else who may be able to help them.

“If you are looking for affordable ways to improve or refresh your skills, check out my new webinars and small group classes that focus on communicating for networking and presentations. To find out more visit www.mediaskillstraining.com/classes.

“Sara and Michele helped me stop the “worry machine” and look for new ways to help my clients. They could do the same for you. If you’d like more information about Sara and Michele, check out Working with Power at www.workingwithpower.com.

Lorraine”

Lorraine’s company is always instrumental when we need to refine or articulate a message for the media or for new customers. If you’re retooling to solve this year’s problems, check out her retooled, accessible offerings. And congratulations: you’re going to weather this recession just fine. If you’re not retooling, be prepared for a scary and scarce few months (or years). We’ll keep preachin’ it, though, so maybe you’ll smell the coffee soon and learn to thrive by meeting your customers’ current needs. We hope so. Your company still has lots to offer and your customers still need you; there are just a new set of problems to solve. Enjoy!

“Our experience with over 2000 executives and leaders tells us that while most people who hold or aspire to leadership positions want to have a deeper, wider, more compelling impact, most think that’s a technical challenge and few know how to go about it. What we’ll teach you in these pages is that the reasons others respond to you the way they do – or worse, don’t respond to you at all – is not because of what you’re doing or not doing with regard to them. The impact you have actually comes from how you yourself experience your attitudes, approach, and actions. Either you’re at ease or you’re not.

Your ease with yourself is reflected in others’ ease with you. Their ease shows up as respect, listening, curiosity, cooperation, motivation, creativity… or anything else you want from them. And your uneasiness, your tension, your – technical term, here: clenchiness – is always reflected back to you as tension in others. That can show up as awkwardness, fear, argumentativeness, avoidance, insubordination, obsequiousness… you fill in the blank: how are people frustrating or disappointing you? Whatever they’re doing, it’s a reflection of your uneasiness.